On my mind...

I was up until 2 a.m. last night with a heavy heart and alot on my mind.  It seems sometimes if Darryl falls asleep before me,I have troubles going to sleep myself.  Plus, the boys weren't feeling well and just earlier I had read of a little girl here in Charlotte that had just lost her battle with cancer.  So, needless to say, I just couldn't sleep because of worry, sadness, and I just needed some quiet time to pray and figure some things out.
One big thing that has been on my mind lately is denomination.  Specifically, Christian denominations....
I'm really struggling internally with where God wants to place us as a family.  I really struggle with whether denomination matters to God at all.  Is he up there just shaking his head at all of us?  If we all are Christians, does it really matter if one worships God one way and another worships him a different way?  On the other hand, I wonder if God is upset with the way the Christian church has headed.  From someone that has grown up with an Orthodox Christian/ Catholic liturgical style background, it sometimes causes me to pause and wonder how God sees the modern church.  Bear with me here while I rabbit trail a bit...
Yesterday on the news was a story about a teacher in Florida getting fired from a Christian school because she had gotten pregnant and was unmarried.  The school has a policy against such things and fired her...Now, I'm personally not fit to judge the situation but I know many news anchors and t.v. personalities were up in arms about this.  Kathi Lee, from whatever morning show she was on, said that they should have extended grace to her, that God is all about grace and mercy, not condemnation.  They were appalled that this would be happening in 2010.  Now, this got me thinking that many years ago, this would have been shocking to most people.  That getting pregnant out of wedlock would have been a serious offense(Please dear reade,r don't think I have a certain opinion about this either way-I will not and can not judge this situation myself because, I myself, am a sinner and have no right to judge ANYONE).  But, it did get me thinking about church.  And how, it seems, to me at least, that churches are kindof like that.  Their M.O. is Grace..it's all about grace.  I get that, am really so thankful for that..but what about......repentance?
This is a scary word to some...it was to me...
So, back around the other side of the rabbit trail, it gets me thinking about church again. Is the fancy churches with the exciting Kids programs, the coffee bars, the hip pastor that can talk about anything and is part comedian/part actor/part preacher the way?   Does God think that, like the instance with the pregnant teacher, we have changed church to suit us and our standards of what is acceptable and not?  Has church just become a place to go get our fill?  It seems it's more about us and what we get than him...we are there for us, not to worship...really... I mean ,we sing a couple of cool worship songs and maybe shed a tear or two if they really touch us but is that what he wants?   What does he want from me? Does he approve of the *fun* church?
 Or, is it that I just don't want to *suffer* in a *boring* church?  If, I'm really being true to myself and honest, I don't want to go to *boring* church. I don't want to fast!  I don't get sitting somewhere chanting the same things over and over and over again.   Yes, I get that this is the time to worship God, not my time..but is this what He wants?
But, notice how many *I*'s in those sentences...it's not what *I* want to do...but what does God want me to do?
I have struggled with this for YEARS.  Literally, YEARS...and I'm weary from it.  I don't know what God wants and don't pretend to know the answers.  I will say that I had an amazing experience last year going back to my childhood religion.  I met a wonderful priest and he met me on a Saturday to talk and do confession.  As much as I don't want to admit it, I was soooo scared to go to confession but really felt like God wanted me to do this...I really was petrified...but God was there in that church in N.J. and as I laid it all out and confessed my most awful sins, I was forgiven.  I had asked for forgiveness before for all these sins but still felt the need to do it this way...why?    Does God care if I go to church?  If we read the Bible at home, pray, study and believe...is that enough?   Can I still have the close relationship with him without the church experience?  Does church matter if you have faith and if you are immersing yourself in the Bible, studying, praying and living toward him?
 So, that's what was on my mind last night.  I emailed an Orthodox priest here in Charlotte that I've talked to from time to time.  He must think I'm a wacko because I'll email him and then not talk to him for months.  It was almost 2am when I emailed him so I'm sure it sounded crazy...I just hope he can give me some answers....
What do you think about all this?  I'd love to hear your opinion.

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,

           I can only conclude that I was not made for here..."

~Brooke Fraser "C.S. Lewis Song"
 
 
I took this from another blog called The Flourishing Mother.  This speaks volumes to me as I meditate on it this Sunday, our Lord's day.
Blessings to you all...

Book Recommendation

I love to read. I don't have alot of extra time to read, but when I find a good book it's hard to put it down. Well, I've found a sweet, little book that is really precious. It's called Amish Peace-Simple Wisdom for a Complicated World by Suzanne Woods Fisher. This book is so wonderful. It has little chapters with questions at the end on how you can apply Amish living to your life. It also has these wonderful Amish proverbs at the beginning of each chapter. I want to make little country signs with all of these and place them around my house. Some of my favorites:
*
*If you sense your faith is unraveling, go back to where you dropped the thread of obedience.

*It is better to hold out a helping hand than to point a finger.

*Trusting God turns problems into opportunities.

*Our duty is not to see through one another but to see one another through.

*Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.

*God likes small people. He cannot use big ones.

*Enjoy today, it won't come back.

*We live simply so that others may simply live.

*It's better to have a wife on your team than on your back.(I need to memorize this one!)

*We should not put a question mark where God has put a period.

*The person that forgives does more for himself than anyone else.(I know someone in my life that we talked about this recently...I hope she's reading)

*There are no degrees of honesty.

*Swallowing words before you say them is so much better than having to eat them afterwards.
(I need to memorize this one also!!)

*We can stop forgiving others when Christ stops forgiving us.(another one about the power of forgiveness!)

*Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.

*We are not promised skies always blue, but a Helper to see us through.

* The higher a man gets in divine grace, the lower he will be in his own esteem.

*Before we can pray "Thy Kingdom Come" we must pray " My kingdom go"

As you can see, I love these little proverbs. There are many more is this book and precious stories about the Amish and there way of living. Although I wasn't born into an Amish family, it doesn't mean that I can't adopt some of there values and ways of thinking. They truely are a special people and I've enjoyed reading this book.
(P.S. If you live near me...the library has one copy-I still have it but it's due Feb. 6 so reserve it-you won't be disappointed)

I finally did it!

I have finally read the entire Bible! While it's embarrassing to admit how long it actually took me, I'm excited I've done it. Although it has given me much more insight, it has left me with a ton of questions and I kindof don't know where to start. Some of it was really scary to be honest, like Revelations...I was always intimidated to read it and now I know why. I have so many question marks and underlined passages with questions...where do I begin to try and figure this out?
And what do I do now? I guess I could read another book that may explain different books of the Bible, but then that's someone else's interpretation, not mine necessarily. Maybe this was God's intention for me to question and really become grounded in my faith through exploring and asking questions we are sometimes scared to ask. I'll pray about it and see where he leads me....

Prayers for Haiti

I have been thinking and praying alot for Haiti today. We found out about it yesterday(I get a little behind on news stories sometimes because we don't watch t.v. to much) I just can't understand why this happened to them. Haiti is already the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. They already suffer so much and now this...I just don't get it. I prayed this morning for answers. I want to to know why....unfortunately I'm not supposed to know everything...
But, then as I pray for these people and especially the little children and mothers...I see...
I never, ever think about Haiti. I never pray for those people..ever. This has really given me pause and I believe God placed that on my heart this morning that yes this is a horrible tragedy, but these people needed our prayers and support and love BEFORE this happened...I will pray for Haiti now more than ever. I know that through this somehow, God WILL be glorified.

On a side note, we were looking up charities this morning to donate to and we found God's Little Angels(courtesy of Laurie). GLA's is the orphanage in Haiti. They believe that they will need much more support now than ever as sadly there will be lots more orphans to take in. Matthew asked if we could adopt one...he really wants to help. His heart is so big and he truely has a servant's attitude-I can learn so much for him... Along with supporting Haiti with our money, I do hope I can do something with the boys so that they can help as well. If you are reading this and looking for a charity to support in Haiti, this seems like a good one. I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful ones..I think the point being we all need to do our part to show Haiti how much we care. I found in coincidental this morning that in our morning Bible study we were at the point in the Bible where Jesus is talking with his disciples and thanking them for giving him clothing when he was naked, for feeding him when he was hungry, for taking him in when he was a stranger. They wondered how this could be because they never saw Jesus hungry or thirsty, etc. But Jesus said(I'm paraphrasing of course), "Because you have done it to one of these My brothers, even the smallest of them, it is as if you did it to me."
We are his hands and feet. Let us all remember(me especially-I can be so selfish) to be his hands and feet and to help the lesser of these...
I pray for all of those precious children for I know they are scared, lonely, hungry and sad. I pray for those mothers that have missing children or whose children have perished. The pain, the agony, I'm sure the screaming you hear on the news must be happening continually from the shear sadness and heartbreak they must feel....I pray for those fathers that lost their families or who have perished in buildings, trucks,etc.....
I'm going to give my family extra hugs and kisses today and thank the Lord for just one more day with them..it's truly a blessing. Thank you Lord, I don't deserve it, but am so grateful.

An answer...

I've been talking with a few very close friends lately about an *issue* I've been facing for some time now. One of my dearest friends, Wendy, is one of the strongest Christians I've ever met and while visiting with another friend last night, I found myself repeating constantly what my friend Wendy told me the previous night on the phone. She is so wise...
Well, this morning, I asked God to give me an answer. I gave it up to him and told him if he wanted me to make a decision, HE HAS TO MAKE ME!! I'm too dumb to figure it out on my own. My friend Wendy was right. As soon as I gave it up and told him to move me, within hours I felt peace . I just pray he gives me the strength to follow his will and to continue to physically and mentally move me toward what his will is for me.
Please pray for me to have the strength to continue to give it up to Our Heavenly Father.
And if I fail, well at least I know he's still got my back...