After 2.5 hours at the concert

Of Singing, Screaming, Jumping..and more screaming...

Here we are giddy with excitment, but boy did our feet hurt!

Girls night...

A little dinner Uptown...

A little of Jon...

A little more of Jon...

Oh...the band was good too...

It was all good...thanks to my husband who got us tickets.

These guys, while I've loved them since I was 11, are just second fiddle to #1 Jersey guy, Darryl...

Guess where I'm going tomorrow?

Hint #1

It's a concert

Hint #2

I have been a fan since I was 11 years old

Hint #3

I got to go on stage with them once and

I got to meet the lead singer and take a picture with him once

Hint #4

I'll be Livin' on a Prayer

(yes, I know I'm bragging...)

A quick update...

Some more housing issues have hopefully been resolved this week, not before making my face breakout from all the stress...
The boys played two games of baseball today.  First game they won, second they lost which is the first this season.  They played them back to back and I really think they were really tired the second one.  There was alot of fielding errors but they were both good games and they had fun which is the most important thing...
We bought all of our bee supplies today and will be getting bees early next week.  We are excited about that!
I'm utterly exhausted from this week but feel blessed.  Really, my problems aren't problems they are blessings...I just need some rest.  I was so cranky today I told Darryl  I just needed some ice cream and a muzzle for my mouth...  Darryl, the wonderful husband he is, told me to get comfy when we got home, he made dinner tonight, cleaned up the entire dinner himself and went to the store and bought me ice cream...he is so good to me I don't deserve him sometimes....

If I take the snow feature off of my blog, will the weather get warmer? 

Changed settings

I just finally figured out how to change the setting so anyone can post a comment, you don't have to be on Google Connect, now. Yeah!!

On a postive note...

I do Choose Joy even in the midst of sad situations. I can't change anyone but myself, right?

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I allow a certain family member to continue to hurt my feelings? Why do I try and let go of the past(which I have done), try and reach out, and feel rejected, yet again...over and over and over. I am really hurt right now by someone in my family that has hurt me over and over and yet I always come back to this person because I desperatly want a relationship with this person. I know how short life is...I realized that this year with the sudden passing of Darryl's dad. He was still so young and I always thought he was as strong as an ox. I always made those kind of comments to Darryl-how his Dad always looked so healthy. He was tall, had a healthy tan, he was stocky...He always *seemed* so strong...but he wasn't and we sadly lost him this year. I know Darryl misses him terribly and feels a sadness for not being able to see him more. May you rest in peace Harold and I know we will all be together again one day.
I took this as a lesson for me to try and maintain and nuture relationships more with family. I really feel like I've tried to reach out to both my immediate family as well as family through marriage. I wish we all lived closer because I would *LOVE* to live near Darryl's mom and sisters and brother. His mom has such a peace, wisdom and humor I love and really enjoy talking with her. His brother and sister have new babies that we rarely get to see and that saddens me but they are always in our thoughts and we talk about them frequently. My side of the family I rarely see and would love to see my brothers more-they are almost grown and I feel like I've missed out on so much.
But in saying this, in reaching out this year, one family member continues to reject me (unless it's convenient for him/her). This person doesn't DESIRE a relationship with me or my family. It hurts my feelings that he/she continues to choose THINGS over family...unless it suits him/her perfectly. That experiences, traditions, and family moments mean less to this person than money and experiences that he/she will enjoy. I feel like this person always chooses himself/herself first and if everyone is along for the ride then fine, otherwise he/she isn't going to do what YOU or ANYONE else wants.
I got some roundabout news today that hurt my feelings. Not from this person but someone close to him/her. Trust me, it's not surprising but it still hurts...I really believe this person doesn't care about me or having a relationship with me...I was rejected and replaced years ago and nothing has changed...and it breaks my heart...for I long for family...I really do...
I don't know...I just really had to get this out.
I love my family, all of my family, and pray that the Lord will someday bring us all together but today I'm sad...
Am I unrealitic in what I think family should be? I certainly didn't have an ideal family situation growing up and maybe I romantized what family should be like in my mind...I don't know...
In saying all this, I do have many things to be thankful for...my faith, my husband, my children, and I do believe I have some family members that really do care...

Edited to add: I don't say all this to air out my families "dirty laundry" so to speak. It's my blog, my journal and I want these moments-the good and bad, to be remembered and reflected upon. I truely believe all of these moments are used for HIS glory(meaning the Lord)and am thankful that through everything my heavenly Father never rejects me, never betrays me and always chooses me as his daughter...I couldn't ask for anything better...

Wow..just wow...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0huZG3OWsl0


This scares me..big time.

Seriously...

How do you move back into a town for one month and accumulate $9 in library fines?..
I'm movin' back to Concord so I don't have to pay(just kidding)
I like when they actually stamp the date on the book like in older library systems(like Concord)...
I don't like when they just give you a printout which I'm sure to lose and expect you to remember when the books are due...dang technology...

Sometimes I wish...

Maybe it's the onset of a new birthday that gets my mind to thinkin'
I wish I would have been a little crazier in my 20's..now don't get me wrong I was pretty crazy in some respects. People that knew me then and know me now would say I was crazy and really had some pretty crazy ideas. Like the time I convinced Darryl we MUST move to Vegas and become blackjack dealers. I was convinced(in my mind of course) that we could work for 5 years, make a ton of money and buy a house in some Western mountain town cash...I hadn't thought of the fact that I was only 19 or 20 at the time and wasn't even legal to gamble yet. We headed to Vegas on an apartment hunt, picked out an apartment, spent way to many days gambling and then decided we didn't like it any more. Or the time, I almost had him convinced we should be over the road team truck drivers so we could travel and make money. That one didn't pan out either. Or the time I was convinced we were going to move to Colorado even though we've never been there. I even went back to school to get more hours into my cosmetology licence so I could immediately work when we got there. I went back to school for 200 hours(after working a full time job doing hair at a salon), finished my schooling, gave my 2 weeks notice to the salon, told all my clients...then decided it was bad idea...
So, I've had my share of crazy ideas and desires to do some crazy things...but I still wish I would have tried some of them.
I kindof wish we lived in a hippy commune for a year...
I kindof wish we moved to NYC for a year(I almost convinced him of that as well)...
I kindof wish we lived with the Amish for a bit...
I kindof wish we were like those railway kids that hop on different trains(think hobo) and just explore different cities-you see alot of these kids in Asheville(I think that's pretty cool minus the living on the street part)...
I kindof wish we sold everything, bought a huge bus and traveled around the U.S. where we could make some sort of useful something to sell, Darryl could grow a beard and I could let my hair become dreadlocks.
I kindof wish we lived in a Thomas Kincaid painting...

Are my farm fantasies another crazy idea I'm dragging my family into? I subscribe to all the right magazines-Hobby Farm, Mary Janes Farm, Mother Earth News...I tried to get chickens legalized in Concord, I cook from scratch and support local farmers and businesses even if it means I pay more out of pocket....this one has outlasted all of my other crazy ideas-is it just determination...don't know.

If we don't do it, will I wish someday we did?

I hope the boys always follow there dreams, even if they are crazy like mine...
I hope they think that there mom is always full of ideas, loves to learn and a forever dreamer...
I hope that Darryl's dreams come true...
I hope that I never give up dreaming....

This is going to be a sad, ugly post

But I need to get this off my chest. I feel absolutely horrible right now. I've been off and on crying all day...
What have I done? Why have we moved so much? I feel like we've ruined the boys childhood. I wanted to give them a warm, comforting home with lots of memories and traditions. And what have I given them? The ability to pack up and leave constantly. The ability to leave friends and have new beginnings. They have for 2 years cried over leaving our old neighborhood. Why? Because it's what they knew. It was home to them. They felt comfortable there. They had friends, church, and security. We picked up and left for what we felt like better opportunities with a new school....it didn't work out...we had some good memories but some really, really bad ones as well and I hope to have left them there in our home we just sold...
But, as I sit tonight thinking....I'm distraught. How many more Christmas' and Halloweens do I have before they are gone? I want them to remember them as special times. I want them to look back on our traditions with warm feelings in their hearts. I grew up with no traditions..maybe that's why I'm so big on them now. How can we have traditions when every year it seems we live somewhere new? These precious boys have absolutely no comfort or stability in where they live right now and it's our fault. Every weekend we spend riding around and riding around..today for over 6 hours looking at homes and land. We've spend countless hours and days doing this since as far as I can remember and I'm so sick of it and I know they are sick of it. Is it too late? Do we just move back into a subdivision? Our old neighborhood? A new one? Where do we go?
I'm scared for them to make new friends now and then we leave again. They had a special friend in our old neighborhood(Laurie you know who I'm talking about) that they still talk about to this day. How much they loved playing with him how he is there best friend. That makes me so sad...that we took that away from them 2 years ago for what we thought was best. Gosh...I'm so sick of having so much regret over everything..why can't I just get it right... ever...
Do I still have time to make it right and how do I make it right?
I love them so much I want to do what is right for them....

An indecisive weekend

Well, we spent the weekend meeting with a builder, looking at homes, looking at land and more and more land..and homes...
At first it was really fun, but then it started getting old. We are all over the place on what we want and need to narrow it down a bit. Also, with all the foreclosures and short sales out there it is making it tempting to go that route. But through the frenzy as I sat in my quiet time this morning, I was wondering...are we going down the same route again? Getting caught up in the moment and not following the path we wanted to? It's so tempting to see a brand new beautiful home that 2 years ago WAY WAY out of our budget, now a bit more reachable. But, do we really want to stretch ourselves just to have that home? I like living very comfortably and not worrying about money. I like having money in the bank and savings accounts. I like being able to sign the boys up for piano and art and sports. Going down this road could lead to more stricter budgets. Not because we want to budget to save as much as possible(which is what I normally do-I'm very frugal) but because we would have to budget to make sure our bills would get paid...It's fun to dream but the reality is scary. I know lots and lots of people live within their means, in fact way below their means and I know alot of people struggle because they live way above their means and it causes stress in their marriage and stress in life. While I'm glad we moved because we truly never felt at home in the last home, it's hard to know where to go from here. Prices really haven't fallen as much as we thought(unless it's a cookie-cutter subdivision-those you can score incredible deals)...
We thought we would have our pickin' of beautiful lots and low cost homes and that really isn't the case. What we are finding is that unless it's a foreclosure or short sale where the folks just gave up(or had to give up) the home prices are still kindof high because people owe so much and they are so upside down on their homes. I can't in good conscience go into someones home where they live with their family and have memories and stories and low ball the price of their family home. I feel o.k. with it if it's already in foreclosure or a builder's house but I just can't do it the other way. I feel so bad for these people that are stuck with these huge mortgages praying that someone will pay these huge amounts for homes that aren't worth it anymore and may never be again.
So, we will continue to look and hopefully streamline our needs and desires in a home and stick with it regardless of what else pops up. I'm praying that the Lord will lead us in the right direction...

With this being my blog I've wanted to share moments in my life and thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing in my life right now. With that said, I feel I needed to post this thought because it's what I'm thinking right now and feeling. This is about a family member. She doesn't read this blog so I feel comfortable in sharing this. I chose the name of this blog for a reason-I Choose Joy-why I did that because it didn't use to come easy for me....
You see last year(2008) I was at honestly the lowest point in my life. I truely felt such shame and regret from things I've done in my life that I couldn't cope. You see, I've run the gamet on trying to find the *answers* in life. I've always prayed and as an adult attend a myriad of churches from Orthodox(my childhood religion) to Catholic to Baptist and everything in between. I've dragged my family to every church I felt that could give me that solid faith I always believed was there but could never *get*....We've joined several churches in the process-enjoying fellowshiping with other Christians, learning about the Bible, and growing in our walk with the Lord..but still something was always missing.
So, back to last year, I'm at my lowest point. Overcome with regret and shame and feeling like I really couldn't cope. And then it changed, HE came for me...
I guess the answer was I really need to be humbled to the point of all self righteousness was completely erased so that I was shown that I did NEED HIM. I wasn't in control and no amount of stuffing things down or trying to make up for my wrong doings would work. He picked me up and showed me through a series of amazing events that I was forgiven. Simply because I asked and repented...HE forgave me. I finally got it...I finally experienced peace and understood that no matter what I had done, because of Jesus, I was totally and completely forgiven. I actually experienced the presence of God and it was truely amazing. For that gift, I am changed. I want to serve him because of what he's done for me. I deserve nothing. I deserved death..yet he made me alive again and for that I truely am grateful. My craziness was washed away, my shame washed away, my regret-while still present is just a reminder of his perfect grace.
So, back to this family member. I'm not sure if she's a Christian...I think she believes in God but I think that's as far as it goes. Last year during my low time we came to a crossroads in our relationship. My sins are my sins and I take complete responsibility for them, but during this low time I felt that she was contributing into bringing me farther and farther down a dark path. Could it be because her faith is not there and she doesn't understand things as well? I don't know....while I do love her and respect her.. .. I needed to break away. I needed to heal and I needed to surround myself with positive Christian people. Every time I talked to her it seems everything is so negative-CONSTANTLY and it drains me. I leave the phone conversation in a bad place. So, I stopped calling..and she stopped calling. We didn't talk but for once a month for awhile. I've gotten stronger in that time and feel peaceful and now when she calls I just pray for her and feel bad that her life is so unhappy. I finally asked her the other day if there was anything she was happy about. I think it was hard for her to even say one thing. Maybe the Lord is using me to help her see the blessings in each day, to Choose Joy, to be grateful for anything because we deserve nothing. I don't know...it's still a struggle to call her and when she calls...sometimes I just can't answer the phone. But, sometimes I can...and although our relationship looks totally different now than it ever has I'm open to the Lord using me to help save her and help her choose joy.

De Ja vu....
That's all I can share right now, will share more later...

Bo bear just got another baby squirrel this morning. He ate 1/2 the squirrel- the head and top 1/2...the boys are really upset and told him he can't have any more milk bones.
There must be a nest of them I haven't found yet but he has.
I understand he's just doing what is instinctual to him but I'm pretty upset with him right now.
Poor baby squirrel's...
Yuck..

We found this baby squirrel on our house this afternoon. Unfortunately Bo bear got a hold of one of his brothers or sisters and we had to (meaning me) get rid of it quickly. Usually I would leave that task to Darryl(or pretend I didn't see it and coincidentally see it when Darryl gets home..lol..) but the house was being shown soon and I couldn't leave it so I had to take care of it...yuck!

Also today the boys have been feeding Bo Bear biscuits like crazy and he developed a case of diarreha...gross...he had it on his bottom and it stunk up the whole house. Again, I would pretend I didn't know and leave him outside all day for Darryl to take care of ( I really am a good wife...sometimes...lol..) but no, today I had to take care of it myself. I called Darryl afterwards and he was cracking up...now my secrets out..although he probably had me figured out 13 years ago I just led myself to believe that he didn't know...

I have such a good husband...

Today we had an impromptu park day with some other homeschoolers we know. The boys played for 7 HOURS with their friends. I also had such a good time, especially with my friends Elise and Lynn...we really had some great talks today and I got some free therapy from them. Lynn has such a sweet disposition and you just can't help but want to spill your guts to her and Elise..well..it's seems we are two peas in a pod and she makes me crack up so much I pee my pants(yes..it's true a couple of times actually)...
It was a great day and now we are home the kids having a picnic in the living room watching a movie...
Thank you Lord I really needed a day like today...

I just wrote a check for the very last payment on my Expedition!!!Woot!! As of today, we no longer have any car payments...I feel so good about that!
But...Darryl's car is on it's last leg...so this may not last for long....unless we can come up with a large sum of money to buy a car cash...
Oh well...for now we are car payment free and I'm going to revel in it!!

Why I'm going to blog

I want a record of my days. I really dislike journaling in book, but don't mind typing. I really want to remember and cherish these everyday moments. Not just our vacations or special occasions, but the joy in the everyday. I am so blessed, but sometimes I don't see it. It takes some reflection on my part to see what God has given me. I have problems with being content. I battle some anxiety and depression and believe this blog will help me overcome the negative and see the positive. In truth, there really isn't any negative in my life. I have a wonderful family. My husband and I are best friends, we are totally in love and have been married since 1996. I have twin boys who are healthy, smart, active, and fun. I have a roof over my head and healthy food and clean water to drink. But, mostly I'm grateful for my savior, Jesus. He has died for me. All of my ugly, disgusting, dreadful sins have been forgiven because of him. For this, I strive to serve my Lord and Savior and although I fail daily, I'll continue to live for Him.
Please join me on this journey of reflection as well as our everyday adventures.