Our Farmhouse Blessings

With this being my blog I've wanted to share moments in my life and thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing in my life right now. With that said, I feel I needed to post this thought because it's what I'm thinking right now and feeling. This is about a family member. She doesn't read this blog so I feel comfortable in sharing this. I chose the name of this blog for a reason-I Choose Joy-why I did that because it didn't use to come easy for me....
You see last year(2008) I was at honestly the lowest point in my life. I truely felt such shame and regret from things I've done in my life that I couldn't cope. You see, I've run the gamet on trying to find the *answers* in life. I've always prayed and as an adult attend a myriad of churches from Orthodox(my childhood religion) to Catholic to Baptist and everything in between. I've dragged my family to every church I felt that could give me that solid faith I always believed was there but could never *get*....We've joined several churches in the process-enjoying fellowshiping with other Christians, learning about the Bible, and growing in our walk with the Lord..but still something was always missing.
So, back to last year, I'm at my lowest point. Overcome with regret and shame and feeling like I really couldn't cope. And then it changed, HE came for me...
I guess the answer was I really need to be humbled to the point of all self righteousness was completely erased so that I was shown that I did NEED HIM. I wasn't in control and no amount of stuffing things down or trying to make up for my wrong doings would work. He picked me up and showed me through a series of amazing events that I was forgiven. Simply because I asked and repented...HE forgave me. I finally got it...I finally experienced peace and understood that no matter what I had done, because of Jesus, I was totally and completely forgiven. I actually experienced the presence of God and it was truely amazing. For that gift, I am changed. I want to serve him because of what he's done for me. I deserve nothing. I deserved death..yet he made me alive again and for that I truely am grateful. My craziness was washed away, my shame washed away, my regret-while still present is just a reminder of his perfect grace.
So, back to this family member. I'm not sure if she's a Christian...I think she believes in God but I think that's as far as it goes. Last year during my low time we came to a crossroads in our relationship. My sins are my sins and I take complete responsibility for them, but during this low time I felt that she was contributing into bringing me farther and farther down a dark path. Could it be because her faith is not there and she doesn't understand things as well? I don't know....while I do love her and respect her.. .. I needed to break away. I needed to heal and I needed to surround myself with positive Christian people. Every time I talked to her it seems everything is so negative-CONSTANTLY and it drains me. I leave the phone conversation in a bad place. So, I stopped calling..and she stopped calling. We didn't talk but for once a month for awhile. I've gotten stronger in that time and feel peaceful and now when she calls I just pray for her and feel bad that her life is so unhappy. I finally asked her the other day if there was anything she was happy about. I think it was hard for her to even say one thing. Maybe the Lord is using me to help her see the blessings in each day, to Choose Joy, to be grateful for anything because we deserve nothing. I don't know...it's still a struggle to call her and when she calls...sometimes I just can't answer the phone. But, sometimes I can...and although our relationship looks totally different now than it ever has I'm open to the Lord using me to help save her and help her choose joy.