Friday, October 8, 2010

Life changes

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing"
                                                                                        -Helen Keller

Boy, I have sat down to write another blog post several times only to just put it away...put my life away for now and forget....I have had such a range of emotion this last couple of weeks and it's hard to contain into one simple journal entry.....

I'm pregnant...there...I've said it and written it down....

First, I went through a series of fear-paralyzing fear that crippled me, depressed me, and cause me to not only not be able to take care of my family but fear of my own thoughts and how they would possibly manifest themselves...you see, this was planned...we tried to get pregnant.  But, something happens to me when I get pregnant-I am gripped by the fear of change.  I could pack up tomorrow and move to Alaska with my family-no fear...My husband could lose his job, we lose this home and move into a trailer somewhere-no fear...I love a new adventure-I thrive on new experiences(which is probably why we move so much)...but this...this is where Satan knows he can get me....I feel like I'm attacked by Satan.  My friend Elise said it right, she said that it's like Satan is throwing arrows at you and you have your arms wide open...she's right...
I have no joy, absolutely zero, in this situation..and it's happened before so I know it will happen..but still...

Then, I though we were going to miscarry.  The midwife was not optimistic in my hcg levels.  She had prepared me for the worst and I had to accept it.  So, again on the roller coaster of emotion-how do I feel about this?  Would we try again?  I was sad at the thought of not having the baby(even though days before I was sad at the thought of having the baby)..it's like you want something only when you can't have it, know what I mean?  So, I had resolved(in my mind) how this was a good thing..our lives would go back to normal..everything would be fine..we would discuss whether I could go through this again when the time came...

Then, I had another doctors appointment.  The midwife wanted to do another ultrasound.  She felt like we would have our definite answer by then.  We could do what was necessary with the information we would get...if there was no growth in the sac..we knew I would miscarry.  She said if we were lucky we'd see a fetal pole and maybe the baby would be o.k.....well, we not only saw the fetal pole but the heartbeat.  The midwife rejoiced and said it was a miracle! 

Back onto the roller coaster.....Here I had went in preparing myself for the fact that I'm going to miscarry and she's rejoicing in the miracle of the baby's heartbeat.  She said everything was fine, gave me a due date and sent me on my way....and the emotions began AGAIN...
Fear, sadness, lonelieness, anger, self-pity....it was all their again...

I knew people were praying for me...I know a lot of people are praying for me and I thank you.  I feel those prayers, I really do...

We still haven't told the boys(which is wierd because here I am sharing this news with the world yet haven't shared it with my two precious boys) There are reasons for that...first, I need to journal this...I need to get this down on print so that I can always remember these moments..and second, that fear, that fear is the reason I don't tell the boys I have to wait until I'm o.k. with saying it before I can tell the boys(although I think they already have an idea-Matthew found my ultrasound picture the other day)...We plan to tell them after my next appointment just to make sure everything is o.k.(and to make sure their is only 1 baby in there..if not...well, I'll need some time to get over that hump)...

I know some folks probably think I'm ungrateful.  I know I feel like I'm *spitting* in God's face for even thinking these things.  The Bible clearly states children are a blessing from the Lord...yet, I felt I was being punished...God knows me...he knows how I get in this situation..why would he do this to me?  Even though we tried I felt like he knew I would freak out, why would he choose to bless me instead of someone else that is struggling with infertility?  These are questions I may never know the answer to...but, I do know this..before this baby was even concieved I felt God telling me that a baby needed to come into this world ...I know it sounds wierd but it's true..I felt it several times...Maybe that's why there is such a struggle..maybe Satan doesn't want this baby in the world for whatever reason..I don't know...

In my prayer time this morning, I felt God speaking to me and saying that this baby would help to unite our family once again...I hope so..that would be such a wonderful gift.

(And please-if you don't know me personally and you are reading this post, please don't feel the need to post a negative comment regarding this....These are *MY* feelings on *MY* blog and if you don't agree with them-as I'm sure most people will not-I'm a basket case of emotions lately-then don't respond or read my blog)..I recorded this so I could look back on this and see how I was feeling NOW-I hope and pray daily that I will rejoice in this blessing and have happiness and joy once again...Also, please know that I do view all children as a blessing and gift from God-I really do..my boys are the biggest joy I've ever experienced in my life...unfortunately, my fear right now is overshadowing the joy of this...I hope and pray it is reversed soon..)  And if your curious how my other half is feeling...he is elated, over the moon, excited...He is my rock during this time and I have leaned on him for support and encouragement.  His excitement is contagious(a little bit) as he shares with me how excited and blessed he feels to get to be a daddy again...

Also, if you are the praying type...I would appreciate your prayers...

Let the adventure begin...


4 comments:

  1. You already know how I feel about this but I want you to know again, that this too shall pass. You are going to be GREAT (not just ok)! This baby is such a blessing and in time (when the hormones calm down a bit) you will feel it. I know you know that in your head but you will begin to FEEL the blessing that is this baby!

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  2. Thanks Elise...I truely could not get through this without friends like you.

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  3. Tanya,
    I am so happy read your exciting news. I will be praying for you daily. Satan does try to discourage us but, we have the victory over him. Blessings on you and your growing family!

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  4. Tanya, haven't stopped by your blog in awhile, and I'm so excited for you and your family. Congrats! You know, God is big enough to handle all your fears and questions. I will pray for you to reach a peaceful place soon! Pregnancy hormones don't generally lead to rational thoughts. Bless you for sharing! Chandra

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