But I need to get this off my chest. I feel absolutely horrible right now. I've been off and on crying all day...
What have I done? Why have we moved so much? I feel like we've ruined the boys childhood. I wanted to give them a warm, comforting home with lots of memories and traditions. And what have I given them? The ability to pack up and leave constantly. The ability to leave friends and have new beginnings. They have for 2 years cried over leaving our old neighborhood. Why? Because it's what they knew. It was home to them. They felt comfortable there. They had friends, church, and security. We picked up and left for what we felt like better opportunities with a new school....it didn't work out...we had some good memories but some really, really bad ones as well and I hope to have left them there in our home we just sold...
But, as I sit tonight thinking....I'm distraught. How many more Christmas' and Halloweens do I have before they are gone? I want them to remember them as special times. I want them to look back on our traditions with warm feelings in their hearts. I grew up with no traditions..maybe that's why I'm so big on them now. How can we have traditions when every year it seems we live somewhere new? These precious boys have absolutely no comfort or stability in where they live right now and it's our fault. Every weekend we spend riding around and riding around..today for over 6 hours looking at homes and land. We've spend countless hours and days doing this since as far as I can remember and I'm so sick of it and I know they are sick of it. Is it too late? Do we just move back into a subdivision? Our old neighborhood? A new one? Where do we go?
I'm scared for them to make new friends now and then we leave again. They had a special friend in our old neighborhood(Laurie you know who I'm talking about) that they still talk about to this day. How much they loved playing with him how he is there best friend. That makes me so sad...that we took that away from them 2 years ago for what we thought was best. Gosh...I'm so sick of having so much regret over everything..why can't I just get it right... ever...
Do I still have time to make it right and how do I make it right?
I love them so much I want to do what is right for them....
Tanya, you are so hard on yourself!!! Home is where the heart is. I know that is very cliche but it's true. Your boys have parents that love them and are dedicated to them. That is what counts. So what, you've moved around. You are a great mom. Don't beat yourself up. You now know that you want to find a more permanent home. Your boys are going to be fine. I believe that if children grow up feeling loved that's all that matters. Everything is going to be ok. I promise.
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Thanks Elise..your a good friend.
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